A Woman Devised A “The Rock” Test To Help Men Avoid Sexual Harassment, And It Is Not Helpful

The Medium- While navigating professional relationships can often require that dreaded thing known as “any amount of work at all”, there is hope. You see, by following this one simple rule, you too can interact with women as people.

It’s as clear cut as this: Treat all women like you would treat Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.

I know, this sounds weird, but trust me, this is a visualization exercise that will work wonders in your dealings with the women in your workplace. When a woman approaches you, just replace her in your mind with The Rock. Then, behave accordingly.

Sexual harassment is the hot topic of the day. Sometimes you think you’re not sexually harassing a coworker when really, you are. Forcing a female colleague to watch you fertilize a plant with your homegrown dick manure allegedly is a pretty clear case of sexual harassment, and possibly dementia. But it’s not always that obvious! Luckily, Anne Clark devised a test to help men know what’s kosher. Her thesis: replace the women in your office with Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and then move forward accordingly. She even provides a handful of scenarios.

We all know this is a silly, buzzfeed-y hypothetical. But to me, this “test” does the exact opposite of its intended purpose. Let’s look at Anne’s examples:

Screen Shot 2017-10-11 at 9.11.57 AM

Oh geez, Amanda looks not only fit and attractive and young, but also like she isn’t wearing a wedding ring. What if she’s open to talking about her (presumably) adventurous sex life, and yours?! How on Earth can you hope to keep this meeting, that has nothing at all to do with any of that, focused for a whole 45 minutes?

Again, close your eyes, clear your mind, and think of Amanda like this:

Screen Shot 2017-10-11 at 9.12.46 AM

Wow! It looks like Amanda has been working really hard, but just needs some help with a small snag she’s hit. Luckily she knows enough to ask for assistance when she needs it, what a professional! You’re lucky to have Amanda in your corner. 

If The Rock and I are coworkers, and he’s taking a minute to get a patch job on his shin, that’s exactly the moment where I ask him about his sex life. He’s vulnerable and available. He’s a great listener because he’s The Rock. I’d be pouring my heart out to him, sharing the frustrations of monogamy, asking why I can only cum in doggystyle, admitting that I picture other women when I have sex with my wife, revealing that sometimes it helps to play nature documentaries in the background, divulging that I enjoy nipple clamps here and there, confessing that my wife’s butthole is too dark for my tastes, and asking if he knows a good bleach person.

Sorry “Amanda.” You’re not helping with the whole harassment/not harassment conundrum. On to the next one:

Everyone knows when a woman smiles at you it means she likes you like that.At least that’s how all the movies you’ve seen and strip clubs you’ve been to have worked. How can you know if this is just drinks with co-workers or an opportunity to masturbate in front of a group like you’ve always dreamed?

Quickly replace this image in your mind with this:

Screen Shot 2017-10-11 at 9.14.45 AM

Wow! Jennifer and her team look really professional and ready to take on anything! One thing’s for sure though, no matter how drunk you get: do not masturbate in front of them.

I would masturbate in front of this group in a second. In order for me to masturbate in front of people, I need to feel safe. With The Rock quietly yet forcefully providing a motivational speech in my ear, and these police officers establishing a safe perimeter to prevent pedestrians from taking pictures while I crank my dong, I’d be spewing chia seeds out of my dick in no time.

Once again, it looks like I’m a harasser. Except now, in addition to The Rock, I’m also harassing 3 police officers. Thanks for nothing, Anne. Guess I’ll just have to stick to my “play it safe” strategy and not speak to, or look at, any of the women in the workplace.

Thank God we don’t have any plants at HQ though. Big nature guy.

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