Does This Look Like the Face of a Guy Who Lived in the Woods for 5 Years Just to Get Away From His Wife?

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SourceA gardener who got fed-up with his wife left and spent five years living rough in woods.

Malcolm Applegate claims he could no longer get on with her after she became unhappy that his hours at work had increased.

So the 62-year-old secretly fled and camped out near the community centre where he tended gardens for the elderly.

Malcolm said: “The more work I took on, the angrier my wife got. She didn’t like me being out of the house for long periods of time. I was married for three years, but unfortunately it got too much.

“I decided to leave for good. Without a word to anyone, not even family, I left.”

There’s only one word to describe any guy who thinks my man Malcolm Applegate is nuts for living in the woods just to get away from his wife.

Single.

First things first, lets all agree on one thing: Nature sucks. Spare me all that Thoreau and Emerson you read in English Lit about the tranquil beauty of the forest primeval because I go camping once in a while and I can report back to you that everything in the woods is designed for one purpose: To make you itchy. Everything beyond what man touches has evolved stingers, biters, blades, thorns or toxins to defend against you. It’s why we go through all the trouble of mortgages, interest and points, to get away from all that misery. And yet Mr. Applegate was happier roughing it in the untamed wilderness behind a senior center rather than endure another minute with Mrs. Applegate. If that doesn’t serve as a cautionary tale about the pitfalls of marrying the wrong woman to you single guys, then I have no pity for you.

I want to be clear, I like my marriage. I’ve had it pretty good with the Irish Rose for a long time. To quote my brother Bill when I was a young lad and he just got off the phone with his then girlfriend now wife of many, many years “It doesn’t matter how much you love a woman or how great a person she is, there’ll still be times when you find yourself saying ‘What the FUCK was that all about?'” And every married guy has his Malcolm Applegate forest, metaphorically speaking. That place you just need to get to so those WTF? moments don’t accumulate and make you nuts.

I’ve driven by lakes in New Hampshire when it was zero degrees out and seen guys sitting out in the middle ice fishing and thought, “Now there’s a guy who really needs to get away from his wife.” I’m convinced the main reason my father-in-law was a 5-handicap was my mother-in-law. For me, it’s doing bar trivia, stand up, and occasionally hitting the Knights of Columbus with the guys I grew up with. And what is #SaturdaysAreFortheBoys if not exactly what I’m talking about? But these are all just variations on Malcolm Applegate’s return to nature. So carry on, good sir. When you walked out of that house and into those woods, you did it for husbands everywhere.

@jerrythornton1

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