I Saved Soccer In The United States



It’s quite simple, really. Saving soccer is about what everything on this planet is about: sex. You want the USMNT to be good? You want America to be a force on the international pitch? Well, then the ladies are going to have to save us.


There’s a reason every kid plays soccer and every kid stops once they hit puberty: girls don’t fuck soccer players. They just don’t. They do kisses with the quarterback and with the shortstop, but never the center back or the keeper. Wanna score with girls? A nice breakaway goal or fadeaway jumper will do the trick, but a bicycle kick won’t. That needs to stop if we’re ever going to be worth anything as a soccer nation.


And it can’t all be on the ladies, Hollywood needs to step up too. Stop with the soccer movies about little Indian girls or Amanda Bynes pretending to be a boy, make some badass soccer movies. Make movies about the star attack man who has to overcome adversity in order to save his team’s season. Once pop culture starts to say that soccer players are sexy then girls will want to hook up with soccer players then boys will want to play soccer. It’s literally a flawless plan. Because we’ve got the athletes, gold medal counts tell us that, we just don’t have the “Oh shit, those are the hot and cool guys” aura that surrounds a high school soccer team so the good athletes don’t want to do it. Make soccer sexy in order to make it great, it’s the only plan that makes a lick of sense.

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