PSA: Slipping And Falling In The Shower Is Real And It’s Terrible
Let me tell you a secret. I always thought the concept of “falling in the shower” was a myth. A large exaggeration at best. I thought it was a thing they claimed old people do in order to keep order in the world. “Better put ma in a home, one day she’s gonna slip in the shower.” A likely story dreamt up by big Retirement Home to keep the business booming. There’s a reason they keep building hotels in Vegas, and there’s a reason there’s a new Sunnyside Gardens in Boca every 6 months. And as I learned this evening, it’s because there is no myth. It’s no exaggeration. Slipping and falling in the shower is real, and it’s terrible.
You see, I usually shower in the morning, but the PATH train from NYC to Hoboken was extra sweaty today. The station itself was super humid, and then the train was packed dick to dick, ass to ass. Air was sparse. So when I got home I decided “hey Nate, you could get right in bed and start watching episodes of The Office per usual, or you could hop in the ol’ shower, use that first world running water, and not feel like a sticky mess”. So against all odds, that’s what I did. And it was almost the last thing I did, as well.
It all happened so fast. There I was, scrub-a-dub’ing away. Maybe whistling a tune, it’s hard to say. Next thing I knew I felt my foot slip out from under me. It’s hard to explain the feeling, but it felt similar to the phenomenon of slipping. Next thing I knew, I had lost all control. Arms were flailing. Other foot sliding. My only thought was “alright, here we go”. As a last grasp effort to remain alive, I lunged for the shower curtain. Big mistake! That thing came hurling to the ground with my flailing body in 0.1 seconds. It couldn’t save me any more than it could save itself.
I landed with a thud on my left leg, my left elbow, and my back. When I came to be I turned off the water and observed the wreckage. Shampoo bottles and body washes were scattered across the bathroom like a debris field. The shower curtain twisted and convoluted. Soap still on my body from the aforementioned scrub-a-dub dub’ing. So I did what any proud American would do- I got back up on that horse. I got my feet under me, stood up, rinsed the soap off, turned the water back off, put my towel on (I’m actually a #RobeLife guy and it’s fantastic if you haven’t converted yet), and dodged the mine field of bottles as I returned to my room so I could get my phone to take a picture. Please note the picture is super zoomed in because I don’t believe in free ads and I didn’t want Head & Shoulders to get free advertising.
My current status is sore to very sore. Elbow is throbbing. Leg is bruised. And my lower back is completely shot. My neck, despite early reports, is doing fine.
So be careful out there, my friends. Did you shower today? It could have been you. I hope my fall helps save your life. One small slip for man, one giant slip for man kind.
And yes, I know the question on everyone’s mind- in the face of all this adversity, I want to inform you I will still be at work tomorrow, ready to fight Nazis, Clay Travis, or whomever else gets in the way of this great website. A fall in the shower cannot slow down a spider monkey. We bounce back bigger, stronger, and smelling fresher than ever.
Please keep me in your prayers as I’m 28 years old going on 70. Thank you, god bless you, and god bless the United States of America. Besides Clay Travis and that Nazi guy. Fuck them.