The Lakers Will Retire Both Of Kobe Bryant’s Numbers

What a power move by the Mamba! Having your number retired once by one of the most prestigious franchises in sports is one thing. But having it retired twice is some next level shit. True Mamba Mentality stuff. Now fathers years from now can tell their kids about the tales of Lakers past through those numbers. Who is number 13? That’s Wilt Chamberlain, an absolutely dominant force on the court and in the bedroom. Remember that birds and the bees stuff we talked about the other night? Well Wilt did it with a lot of different people. 32? That’s Magic Johnson, the point guard that brought the Lakers back to glory with a smile on his face. He did that birds and the bees stuff a lot too, except he did it with someone who was sick with a thing called HIV so he had to stop playing. And who is that Bryant guy listed twice, daddy? Oh that’s Kobe Bean, kids. Retired once for when he was a rising star on a team that threepeated. And retired again after he became a gunner, and morphed into this weirdo villain where he called himself the Black Mamba on his way to winning two more championships and an MVP (Oh yeah and he was accused of doing some birds and the bees stuff with someone that didn’t want to, which probably was a reason for the number change and why he bought his wife a gigantic pink diamond ring. Definitely can’t forget that part of Kobe’s past).

No matter what you think of Kobe, you have to admit he was a different dude. The Lakers are even scared of him in retirement, even though it would be weird seeing someone else wear 8 or 24. I was offended when some random receiver on the Chiefs was wearing Tony Gonzalez’s number 88 on Thursday. And the best part about this is that Kobe Bryant stans can now bring this up as Exhibit C or D in their logic for why Kobe was better than Michael Jordan. “Are 23 and 45 in the rafters of the United Center? I don’t think so” is something that will be uttered in some capacity in millions of pointless, definitely incorrect Twitter arguments.

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