The NHL Announced The “Declaration Of Principles” For Hockey Today. I Have A Few That They Missed

Gary Bettman, the NHL, the NHLPA and 15 other partners got together today to announce the “Declaration of Principles” for the sport of hockey. Thought it sounded pretty bad ass when I first heard about it this morning. But turns out it’s basically it’s all about inclusion and shit like that. Don’t get me wrong, inclusion is definitely cool. Hockey is for everyone. Your race, sexuality, income, belief system, whatever shouldn’t prevent you from playing hockey. So yeah, in that sense the Declaration of Principles is pretty bad ass. But like I said, I thought this was going to be a little more than just “Who gives a shit who you want to bang after the game, just let everybody play hockey”.

- You shall have no other gods before Gretzky. 

- Shake thy opponent’s hand with respect, honor, and integrity after each game. 

- You shall not murder unless it is retribution from an earlier play. Let no cheap shot against one of your teammates go unpunished. 

- A coach’s challenge shall take no longer than 90 seconds. Seriously, enough with this bullshit. And give the refs larger tablets to review on. 

- Thou are never too injured to finish a shift unless you are dead. A bruise on the leg is a helluva long way from the heart. 

- Honor thy coach and play until you hear a fucking whistle.

-  You shall not steal unless you are a goaltender. 

- You shall not commit adultery unless you are banging one of your teammates’ girlfriend or wife. That’s just locker room stuff. 

- Let no beer league game start past 9:30pm. This one may just be for me but I’m sick and tired of getting the midnight slot every week. 

- It’s not worth winning if you can’t win big. 

It’s about time we brought the sport back to its roots and what made it so great in the first place. Making the game more inclusive certainly helps making the game great. But violent, hard-dick hockey for 60 straight minutes? That’s what the game is all about and we can only hope this new generation of hockey players carries on these values.

P.S. – Pope Francis. Big time Hockey Guy.

@BarstoolJordie

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