I Accidentally Interrupted A Woman’s Sidewalk Bowel Movement This Morning
I wish I didn’t have to write this blog but it’s the only way for me to mentally move on with my day. This morning started off a little different than most. I ended up listening to the first of my five alarm clocks and getting out of bed early. I don’t know what came over me but I wanted to exercise so I packed a bag, threw on my headphones and began my descent to street level. I usually catch up on the Twitter on my way down the stairs. It’s dangerous but I get bored easily and if I trip, a lawsuit wouldn’t be the worst thing.
I finally reached street level and walked through the first of two exterior doors leading to the sidewalk. My head still down and headphones in playing Kiss by Prince. I reached the second door, looked up and saw a woman, no more than 10 feet away, leaning up against a car with her pants down. Having lived in New York for a few years I’ve seen a significant amount of street genitalia so I wasn’t really fazed. Nor did I realize what was happening. So I took a deep breath, stepped outside and let the door slam behind me in order to startle her. Which turned out to be a big mistake.
She lifted her head and gave me a look I’ll never forget. Like I had just walked into her livingroom unannounced. It was terrifying. I panicked and looked down at my phone until I got to the bottom of the stoop when I mustered up the courage to catch another glimpse. I looked up, and to my horror, saw a large, brown, porous dump being excreted from her body and onto the side of a blue Toyota Camry. Not to get into too much detail but from the look of it, her diet most likely consists purely alcohol. It was foul. Three things crossed my mind, A) I’m going to puke. B) It must be chocolate ice cream because girls don’t poop, and C) I’m going to puke.
I couldn’t even focus when I got to the gym. All I was thinking about was that lady’s poop face. She looked like a skinnier version of Phyllis Diller. I actually shook my head back and forth to try to erase it from my memory.
I realize this probably happens in a lot of cities but they’re just so brazen about it in New York. There was an alley literally five feet away. I would’ve tipped my hat to her if she had been doing it in there. The worst part was she made ME feel bad for HER shitting on a car but I have to wonder what series of unfortunate events led her to this point. Was it simply a bad meal? Maybe she works in middle management at Time Warner and I’m the asshole for judging her. Or maybe she gambled on a fart and things went left. I don’t know. The worst part about the whole thing is I’m never going to be able to listen to Prince again. Happy Wednesday.