Michael Rapaport Can Sit On All Of The Fists When It Comes To His Barstool Fantasy Football League

Yo, Phoebe. Take all the chill pills, please. There’s no need to be this angry.
It’s difficult for anyone over the age of 13 to care this much about a Fantasy Football league when no money or punishments are on the line. Even more alarming, it’s INSANE to think complete strangers would care about your Fantasy Football league with no money or punishments on the line. But then again, I haven’t been in the comedy business for 25+ years and get cucked out of Fantasy Football podcasts, so I’ll go kindly go sit on my own fist.

A little backstory: After a Week 2 Monday Night Miracle comeback win where Davante Adams and Ty Montgomery decided to double penetrate my entire roster, Rapaport took to Twitter to inform me I needed to suck his dick via GIF:

Week. 2. I respond like any civilized human would react:

Annnndddd Rap went on to chirp at my livelihood without context then proceeds takes a page out of the Spags’ Book of Psycho and responds by challenging a random Twitter dude to on the court for his cash and chick. Typical NY gabagoo stuff.

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Relax, old man. We’re in a Fantasy Football league for fun and respect. Oh, there’s a belt/trophy/ring that comes with it, too, but it’s all about respect. Yeah, there can be some subtle shit talk here and there during the regular season, and I don’t mind that one bit. But to literally blow your load every damn week is beyond exhausting. You wanna do
a pinky toe bet where whoever doesn’t make the playoffs cuts off that little fucker? Fine. That’ll get the juices flowing. Or maybe put some of those Friends royalties on the line and things would get real feisty, real quick.

And I get it. Rap’s the “Rant” guy. It’s his job that nobody asked him to do to call out anything and everything. I just don’t like myself, or anyone of my fellow friends being called a pussy by Dr. Fake Tough Tits, so therefore inserted myself into the situation. And I will end it. Why? Because it’s about fucking integrity. That’s why. Mark my words, it is now my life’s mission to win this pointless Fantasy Football league solely stuff it directly down his D-List dick. Yeah, he’s in first place right now. But peep who leads the league in points, the true stat that matters till the playoffs…

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Listen to the bell, Rapaport. It tolls for thee. But that’s assuming Phoebe survives till the end of the season. Which is a big assumption.

PS – Friends sucks dick.

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